Month: December 2015

How not to attack a sleeping dragon

yourplayersaidwhat:

Back story: We’re on a trial run for a brand new d100-based system we’ve been working on that works on allocating EXP into various skills and abilities kinda like the Batman Arkham games.  There’s a Halfling bard, a Human mage, a Grimalkin (catfolk) noble, a Halfling thug (played by the GM), a Saurian (lizardfolk) fighter, and an Ursune (bearfolk) monk.  We find a sleeping Blue Dragon really early on and decide to sneak up and try and kill it before it can wake up.  After successful stealth rolls (somehow), however…

GM (Halfling thug): I’m going to draw my bastard sword and attack the head at the ear…hole…thing.  You guys?

Saurian: I’m going to take out my great hammer and take a shot at it’s shoulder, cripple it, maybe.

Me (Halfling bard): I’ll use my crossbow and shoot it in the belly.

Human: I’m gonna cast *checks spell list* fireball, I guess, at it’s…tail? *everyone shrugs* Tail.

Grimalkin (first-time player): I’ll use my rapier and poke it in the eye!

GM: Nice, good thinking! *Looks at the Ursune* And?

Ursune (seasoned veteran): Um…I’m gonna punch it in the butthole!

*table turns collectively to Ursune*

GM: Are…you sure.

Ursune: *leans back smugly* Yup.

*everyone makes rolls.*

Saurian: *rolls successfully and deals decent damage*

GM: Okay, good. *rolls crit success and deals massive damage* Yes, nice!

Grimalkin: *rolls crit success and deals lots of damage ignoring armor*  Yay!

GM: Very good! *looks to Human* You?

Human *rolls and fails* Damn.

Me: *roll success and deals fair damage* Should be about dead, yeah.

GM: Not gonna say til everyone’s done. *everyone looks to Ursune*

Ursune: Don’t worry guys, I got this. *rolls a crit failure and table bursts out laughing*

GM (after laughter dies down): Well, you go to punch the dragon in the butthole and your hand slips in unhindered, then, before you can pull it out, the dragon’s sphincter clamps down on your wrist.  The rest of our blows then land, killing the dragon handily.  The dragon then voids it’s bowels…all over you.

*table explodes with laughter again*

Ursune: *scowling at party* I had a plan, you know

Saurian: Yeah?  What did you think was gonna happen, “poo bear”?

Human: Yeah, it was a pretty shitty situation from the start.

For the record, I rarely ever void my bowels when dying in my experience.

ciderward:

I stayed awake literally all night working on various character designs, then when I was finally too tired to do anymore, I did this in 10 minutes and it looks better than anything I did all night.  Maybe the key to drawing cartoons I like is being too tired to care about anatomy :b.

I’m finally going to name this scrappy little gal just GIMME more time I suck at naming. I just like drawing her.

I misread that and thought u named her GIMME. Maybe that works?

pepsikat:

So this is my internet right now. I had to take a phone picture of a snip because I cannot connect at all now.

Perhaps you can walk over to the Steam headquarters with a USB stick and ask them for a copy, then walk back home in less time?   (Oh, one problem with that.  There will probably be a new update by the time you get back home.)